Anxiety is gripping every word, plucking them back before I can force them out. It was a hard day. I don’t have…whatever it is, the word that I’m looking for. I don’t have it. Not going to force a post when I could barely force myself out of bed.
I did walk to the gym and sit in the sauna with my friend Theo, then went grocery shopping and bought all healthy stuff. I ate a sensible breakfast of scrambled eggs/spinach/mushrooms/salsa, but after a similarly sensible dinner of salad and roasted turkey, I got carried away and ate an entire pineapple (the mysterious pineapple that I found the other night).
I have to go to the doctor tomorrow. The appointment is for 7:20 in the morning, which means I need to take an Uber to get there. I wanted to take the bus, but I don’t have any change, and you can’t buy a transit card with a credit card on the bus, and I forgot to go to Walgreen’s to buy one, so now I can either walk or Uber, and walking would take an hour and a half, but Ubering is going to cost me money I don’t have, so either one is the wrong choice. I should cancel the appointment and reschedule, but then how am I going to get my anxiety meds refilled? But who’s to say that this doctor would refill them, and wouldn’t just make me make another appointment with a different doctor? At which point I’m back to worrying about how expensive it is to get to the doctor’s office, and if I’ll even have that kind of money on hand…omfg, this can’t continue. I can’t live like this, my mind just cycling. But I don’t have any money to tip my Uber driver, either, so I’m going to spend $10 each way to get an Uber to the doctor, but then I won’t be able to tip the driver, and that’s something only a total asshole would do. I guess I could call a cab, instead, so I could tip from my card, but then it’s going to be like twice as expensive.
I’m going to bed. Let’s let 6am Anna worry about this. No use in making 9:30pm Anna any more agitated. Maybe I’ll set the alarm for 5am, and decide then if I’d rather walk it. Even if I only walk half of the way, it will still be a lot cheaper to Uber. I need a car. But then I’d just stress out about car payments and gas and upkeep, so what’s the point.