Day 4: Me, TBD

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One of the things that goes hand-in-hand with binge eating is yo-yo dieting. When I say that I’ve gained 50 lbs. over the last four or five years, it’s not like I just kept creeping up the charts in one solid, upward swing. There have been great ups and downs. My Fitbit weight record tells me that at the beginning of March, I weighed 190 lbs., and before that, I weighed the same back at the beginning of January. Last year I did the Whole30 diet, and lost 15 lbs. in a month without even exercising (which tells me that I’m probably allergic to something I’m eating, but that’s a whole other blog post). When I got back from walking the Camino de Santiago in November of 2015, I weighed 177 lbs. When I started dating my boyfriend around this time three years ago, I was hovering at 167 lbs. But in between each of those lows was a high. I’m constantly gaining and losing and trying harder and not trying so hard and giving up and actively conspiring against myself at every turn. If there were an Olympic category for mental gymnastics, I’m confident I’d bring home the gold.

This all being said, I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t pleased that I’m down in weight today, but it’s also important not to put too much emotional stock in the number on the scale. It can go back up tomorrow (and probably will, since I’m not going to the gym tonight). The important thing, much more important than numbers right now, is to keep track of how I’m working towards being a healthy, whole human being. That’s all. If I take care of myself, the results will show in many more ways than just on the scale. And I’ll still be fluctuating for the rest of my life. But the idea is to start a downward trend, and keep it going with good habits.

Speaking of good habits, tonight I’m going to be attending a new meditation group that I recently found out about. I’m a little nervous that it doesn’t actually exist, so I’m trying not to get my hopes up too much. I only heard about it via a printed paper list I found at a Refuge Recovery meeting, and I can’t find anything about it online. There’s a calendar event on the website of the actual event hall where the meeting is held, but if you click the link, it only has the time and name of the meeting. So I’m just going to go tonight and cross my fingers that some other people show up. It’s an interfaith chapel, so I’m not worried about it being a scam or anything, more that if I get my hopes up and get disappointed, it will have negative impact on my day. The interfaith chapel happens to be very close to one of my favorite grocery stores, and that grocery store happens to have some of my favorite binge food (which is actually all healthy food, eaten in moderation, but that word is currently not in my lexicon, so I’m trying to be realistic). Anyway, y’all please put some positive vibes out there for me that the meditation group does, in fact, exist.

Today’s Weight: 194.6 Lbs.

Today’s Exercise: I’ll update this later tonight. Hoping to get in a little 8Fit workout after the meditation group. If said group ends up being imaginary, I’ll probably go running, too. Later: I didn’t end up running or doing the 8Fit workout, but I did walk 15,999 steps as of now, so I’m feeling pretty good about my day.

Author: Anna

Aspiring writer. Hiking & backpacking enthusiast. Walked the Camino de Santiago (Camino Francés) in 2015, and hiked the Grand Canyon rim-to-rim in 2016. Slightly obsessed with St. Francis of Assisi and Elen of the Ways. I write about whatever comes to mind, but spend a lot of time dissecting my journey with anxiety & depression, recovering from compulsive eating, living in New Orleans, and my three cats.

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